i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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