I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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