i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
