You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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