i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
