Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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