If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i out mim tonsoeep
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