I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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