My first STD was from a foam party
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
