She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
