FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
