Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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