the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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