WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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