i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
