I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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