I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I want to be your penis for a week.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
