Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
