I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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