So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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