what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
