I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
