I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
