oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
