After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
