Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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