Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
