guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
