fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
