take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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