wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
