this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
