like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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