I am in a vortex of obligation.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
