so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
