So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
