So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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