i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
