you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
