I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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