yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
