Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
