it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize