Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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