If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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