omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
