All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
