I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
