A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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