Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
