White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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