My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
