that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
