my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
